The Night My Mother Changed My Life

“We’re not going back," she said—and with those four words, the entire course of our family’s story changed.

Fast forward 30 years, we were sitting at the table in my old living room chatting as we loved to do, about anything and everything.

I'm not sure how the conversation weaved its way towards this moment but I instinctively felt myself shift into the space holder role - present, curious and sensitive to where this chat with my mum could go.

It's something I've learnt to do over the years. It's a feeling I get when I can tell there's something in the air that wants to be said or revealed.

It’s such a fragile space, but if you can sense into the subtle nuances… and allow, like a river, the conversation to flow where it wants to, something magical happens. 

We weave our way to a story I've never heard from her.

I listen in both shock and wonder as my mother speaks quite matter-of-factly; "I woke up in the middle of the night and sat up in bed when a sudden idea came into my mind. Completely out of nowhere. It was a light bulb moment or revelation you could say. We could stay in England, I thought. We didn’t have to go back to Malaysia. And that would be the solution to the problems you, Abby and Mark were suffering with.

This might be the one time in my life a decision has been so resolute. After that I didn’t waver once, even though I had no idea how it would work with your father. I just knew it was what I had to do. I do believe it was a kind of God-given spiritual experience that made it crystal clear to me.”

I’m sure my mouth must have dropped open in utter awe at that moment, but I was so stunned I don’t quite remember.  

You see, my life took a big turn at 9 years old. We left behind the warm, golden beaches of Sabah for the quiet, green hills of Essex, England. It was the most unplanned transition. We went for a holiday to visit my grandparents and never returned. Not even to pack our bags or say goodbye.

At that time I had no idea why, how or what triggered this decision. I was so young, it didn’t occur to me to ask. I found out for the very first time, during this moment with my mother just a couple of years ago.

It blew my mind, because I know how much my mother has struggled over the years with an overwhelming fear of making the wrong decision. But this, this was one of the biggest decisions she could make, with huge repercussions and this, she didn’t hesitate.

“Sometimes I do have moments where I wonder, did I do the right thing? But I couldn’t ignore the knowing that came to me.” my mother continues.

Her voice drifted off, leaving the question hanging in the room between us. For a moment, neither of us said anything. I could feel the weight of it — not just the decision she made, but everything it cost her. And everything it gave me.

It would be one of the things that caused her marriage with my father to end. My father wasn’t able to move with us and the strain of being apart for long periods of time took a toll on their relationship. I think of the sacrifice she didn’t realise she would make for us. That they would both make for us. Because all of us, my brothers and sister, would do much better in England than we would have if we’d stayed in Malaysia. It completely changed the trajectory of our lives.

I said to her, “I want you to know it was the best decision you could have made. I was miserable in Sabah. When I go back in my mind's eye and revisit that time, all I see is black and white. Everything feels grey, dull, lifeless and nothing is clear. It's foggy, I don’t remember details. But the moment I revisit the time we moved to England, I instantly see colour, vibrancy. I remember zipping my anorak ( a winter coat ) and thinking it was the coolest thing. I remember crunching my wellington boots on the snow and loving the sound it made. I can hear Nanny and Grandad laugh and see them pottering in their garden. What you did was so brave, it changed everything for the better”

My mum smiles. I see a strength in her I’d never fully understood before. I honour it because I’m sure nobody has. No-one knew how this happened at the time. She was alone, a young woman with four children and till now this utterly brave, life changing thing she did for all of us had gone unnoticed.

Moments after this unlikely conversation, my mother plucked up the courage to make another one of the biggest decisions of her life, to heal the wound between her and my father. Even though they had been divorced for over 20 years, they never had the closure they needed to be fully at peace. And part of me wonders if all she needed was a reminder of her own strength — to find the courage to be brave once more.

But that’s a story for another time.

This is why I believe so deeply in the power of sharing stories between mothers and daughters. Sometimes, it’s in the telling of what was once unspoken that healing, closure, and a new kind of closeness begins.

On May 11th, we’re gathering women across generations for an afternoon of conversation, storytelling, and connection.

If there’s a story you’ve never told—or one you’ve never heard—this might just be your moment.